Thanks.

I have just been overcome by this wave of gratitude. I am so so so thankful for all the people who stuck by me and continue to stick by me.

My parents and siblings, my friends, their parents, family friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, doctors, nurses, teachers, strangers, and many others. My head spins thinking of the time people spent, the effort and the thought. I am so grateful. I cannot begin to express my gratitude, but I hope people know… I will be thankful forever, and I will do my very best to do people proud and make it worth it…if you know what I mean, I’m not really sure how to put it into words… Thank you to people who believed in me and were strong for me when I was unable to muster the will to try…

I feel so lucky for all the incredible support I received and continue to receive.

I have been struggling recently to reconcile the last three years of my life. What the hell!!?? What happened? How did it happen? The anorexia seems like such a distant memory…but still feels present. It is very disconcerting. I don’t like not being able to explain it, I can’t make it fit in my head. I keep having dreams and expecting to wake up in hospital with machines beeping and the rubber on the mattress creaking. Or in my own bed, curled in a ball freezing cold and dreading breakfast in the morning… I feel like the horror of that awful time is only just beginning to set in, now that I have a chance to catch my breath and process everything.

It has been so long since I have written on here, I am not sure anyone will read this, but if you do, please know how grateful I am, that I probably think about you every day, just: THANK YOU.

18!!!

I reckon a new post is long overdue!

I turned 18 years old!! I am so happy. I had the best birthday ever, there were so many surprises… I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD!!!!

Looking back, I can now see how lucky i am to have turned 18. Although when i was really sick i didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, and that everyone was overreacting, i see now what all the fuss was about. This time last year I was struggling to stay out of hospital and more than anything i was just really unhappy…Now i am SO happy and so looking forward to my future and the many more birthdays i will have.

My amazing friends organized a surprise party for me, I literally had no idea, and it was absolutely awesome, the best night of my life. Once again, THANK-YOU SO MUCH GUYS!!!! Love you to the moon and back, you’ve kept me going. Your support has what has got me through the last couple of years, I look up to you all so much. You know who you are, you are incredible.

Here are some photos (they have no people in them for obvious reasons!):

You will notice that all these photos are of food…  I really enjoyed the food – in the middle picture you can see my ‘cake’ which was a giant pavlova covered in cream, kiwifruit and cherries. It was so good. As recently as two months ago I would’ve had a total freak-out over the though of consuming cream. It’s the same with pasta which has now become a favorite meal of mine. I refused to eat pasta for over a year…  i now look back and think ‘how and why would i do that to myself!!??’ I then have to remember that I didn’t do that to myself, anorexia did.

Separating anorexia from myself was one of the first things it was suggested my family and I do when i was first diagnosed, and it was something i struggled with for a very long time. It was only about half way through my last hospital admission (over a year after diagnosis) that i started to see and understand the distinction, and i really think it marked a turning point in my recovery. I think to my friends and family it was and is pretty obvious that anorexia and Emma were two very separate things: anorexia is weak, a liar, a bully and just plain nasty, while i (if i do say so myself!) am none of those things!! I think that finally separating myself from anorexia was a huge relief for me as I could at last stop blaming myself for everything. The blame i placed on myself was really feeding into anorexia by making me hate myself and feel terribly guilty and anxious. I think it’s really important that the world understands that eating disorders, and all mental illnesses, are NOT choices (not saying that everyone thinks they are, but i do think this is one of the misconceptions around this type of illness.)

Today some of my friends also took me out to high tea. It was absolutely amazing and delicious, and another birthday surprise. I loved it!!! Once again every single item of food we were served i would have flat out refused until recently. But I was able to truly enjoy it.

I am just so grateful for my recovery. I HATE this life-sucking illness. It stole a year and a half of my life, but it’s not taking any more. I can’t stand the thought of others struggling. I really want to find a way to help people fighting eating disorders.

Recovery is possible! There is hope!!! I think this is one of the most important messages for people who are just starting out on the journey through recovery. I truly didn’t believe that i would ever be free from anorexia. As i say, it was my friends and family who gave me hope, and by insisting on full nutrition and weight gain, got my life back for me.

I thought I’d post a letter i recently sent to an organization called F.E.A.S.T, who were also instrumental in getting me to full recovery. Check out their website and amazing resources here.

Hi,

I just want to say a huge THANK-YOU to everyone who has put this website and mine of information together, as well as all the people providing support for parents like mine on the forum. You helped save my life.

I first stumbled across the FEAST website and ATDT when I was in hospital around 18 months ago. I was really really struggling, and although I knew it was exactly what my parents needed to see I couldn’t distance myself from anorexia for long enough to show them what I’d found. I was discharged form hospital after 8 weeks and promptly regressed back into anorexia…. Managed 5 months in the real world before being admitted again, and the same thing happened, I was discharged, found myself back on the slippery slope and before I knew it was back in hospital for the third time.

I was really desperate and losing hope. I was reading the forum occasionally and reading things that filled me with hope and relief. I read about ‘life stops until you eat’ and ‘food is your medicine’ and wished that my parents knew to say things like that to shut anorexia up and show it I had no choice but to eat and get better… I started dropping hints to my parents about FEAST… “Mum, have you seen this website? It’s got some really interesting info on it…” Needless to say, anorexia was not happy about this!

Literally within days of showing my parents FEAST, everything changed for me and my family. The awful cycle of hospital admissions was broken. It was a huge relief, I felt like my parents were truly understanding and united (not that they would have thought that at the time, boy was anorexia raging). Although outwardly I must have seemed insane, inside I was secretly relieved that I was finally getting the help I needed to get my life back, and that the choice to eat was being taken away.

I think what really makes the difference with FEAST and ATDT is that the people on here understand. They have been through the awful times and the triumphant times themselves and know what works and doesn’t work. This is such an unbelievable, sneaky illness, and I think that’s what was hardest for my parents…. They simply couldn’t fathom how much and why I was struggling simply to eat (fair enough! I used to think eating disorders were ‘phases’ or ‘choices’ which started because of vanity – oh how wrong I was!! It is just so hard to understand). I am a really honest person, so no wonder it took them a while to catch on to the lies anorexia had been forcing out of my mouth about food. I had also been independent for so long that requiring me or telling me to do something was extremely foreign.

Our family therapist kept asking me “what can your parents do to help you” and of course anorexia had me totally gagged…. I just wanted to scream READ THE FEAST WEBSITE!!

So thank-you. I realize now that my parents have literally saved my life, and I think we all agree FEAST and ATDT were instrumental in helping this happen. I know it’s still early days in terms of my recovery time-wise, but in a few short months I have come from being confined to a hospital bed being fed through a tube, to eating what I need, and enjoying it too. Just the other day I had a 6 course meal out at a restaurant!!!! And I was anxiety and anorexia free while eating it.

Once again, thank-you. Keep doing what you’re doing, FEAST is amazing and you’re literally saving lives.

From EW

Finally, here’s an awesome picture of the sea from the deck of our beach house up north. This is my favorite outlook in the world. The thought of seeing it is one of the things that motivated me in my second hospital admission.

We’re going back up there this weekend. I’m learning to surf!!! I loved being up there in the holidays and not being cold all the time and having energy to do things, made a nice change from the summer holidays. Just a few more reasons to stay on track in recovery!!

I will try and update more often. I am just so busy – which is definitely a good thing – i remember i started this blog on a Friday night when i literally had nothing else to do. I hope everyone else is enjoying life. I love and thank you all xxxxxxx

PS sorry for the novel I’ve just written….didn’t realize it was this long!!

‘curves are beautiful’

I received a very cool present in the mail a couple of days ago:

I case you can’t read it is says

CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL

It came all the way from America from someone else who is in active recovery from anorexia. What a fantastic idea!! I would love a project like this, in fact mum and i were thinking of maybe making ‘strength beads’ and putting them on friendship bracelets to help spread awareness and knowledge of eating disorders. Also taking a stand against all the negative things we all think about ourselves and our bodies.

Curves are beautiful…this is something which i know is true and i am trying to convince myself of. I am having a pretty hard time getting used to my new ‘healthy’ body. I have my school ball on Saturday and i just don’t feel great in my dress. So i just need to trust my family when they say it looks great and ignore the overly critical thoughts in my head.

I may possibly be able to get back into some sport sometime too! It is my absolute dream to go skiing in the school holidays…fingers crossed that’s a possibility. If i think back to this time last year i was on the children’s ward at Wellington Hospital, feeling absolutely desperate and struggling dreadfully…. i don’t mean to blow my own horn but…. look at how far i’ve come!! I can’t believe i’ve got here, honestly i wasn’t intending to ever be this weight again and the fact that i am is all thanks to all the amazing medical people, my friends and my family. I here and I’m dealing with it! And i’m actually living…. i missed the QMC ball last year because i was in hospital confined to a wheelchair…. not anymore…. TAKE THAT ANOREXIA!!!

This is another project which i find very interesting and relevant, as well as shocking and saddening:

 This means that every 2 minutes in America, a parent is told that their child has an eating disorder. Just think of the number of families who are affected horribly.

But, IT IS POSSIBLE TO RECOVER FULLY FROM AN EATING DISORDER!!!

This is something i didn’t believe/couldn’t imagine, back when every mouthful was a massive effort. I am living proof that it is possible to recover from an eating disorder… although i know i still have  way to go yet. I can do this, because i want my life, and everyone else’s, to go back to normal.

http://ed-bites.blogspot.co.nz/

Have a read about the 1in20 project, if you feel like it. Also, the woman who writes that blog is another survivor of an eating disorder… and she’s pretty inspiring.

Hope everyone has a good week, i have a big internal tomorrow which i can’t wait to be over!

xxxxxxxxxx

Still winning!!!

Yes that’s right i am still winning this war against anorexia!!!! Wooooohooooooo. It’s been over a year since i had my first disastrous appointment with a doctor (who filled out the eating disorder assessment form, writing down my blood pressure and temperature which she made up, she obviously didn’t think it was important enough to take….little did she know we got home and i was hypothermic according to the thermometer!!!) which just showed how little eating disorders are understood, even by the medical profession. This doctor also suggested i come back a week later and see her without Mum. Why on earth would she try and alienate me from my mother!? Without my parents and their committment and focus… well let’s just say i am so grateful that my parents have been utterly supportive and tried their very best to understand what is such a perplexing and dreadful illness. I would either be dead or in horrible limbo-land struggling away still without them. My parents have been the most important part of my recovery. I couldn’t choose to get better myself, they had to choose for me. That is the most horrible, strange thing about this illness.. Like, everyone was telling me i was sick, looked dreadful, and needed to be in hospital, and despite how much i trusted them, i couldn’t truly believe that what they were saying was true. It really screws with your head! I think it screws with everyone’s head.

On a lighter note, I passed all my exams!! So i am officially registered for the IB exams at the end of this year, which means i won’t have to repeat this year of school! I am so relieved, I have spent more time in hospital that at school over the past year, and i love school so much (I am not there right now because i have a horrible cold. Funnily enough this is the first time that i’ve actually felt sick over the past year, despite the amount of time i’ve had off ‘sick’). It;s been harder to eat over the last couple of days because i’ve felt sick, but i’ve done it anyway because i want to actually get BETTER!!! I cannot wait to go skiing, there is a little bit of snow on the hills behind Wellington this morning and i saw it and just got all excited. It’s so nice to have a life to look forward to.

Funnily enough, I can’t remember a lot of the last year. The hospital admissions have all sort of merged into one long bad memory. One thing i can remember very clearly is the feeling of relief upon being told i was going to be admitted to hospital. Terrified, yes, but relieved also. That was because i knew i couldn’t keep going at home, i knew something had to change and the decision to get better and gain weight had to be taken out of my hands, because i just couldn’t make it.

Someone told me a couple of days ago that they’d had a relapse and just didn’t know what to do. I can so relate to this awful feeling of confusion, when your own brain starts playing tricks on you and you can’t make the simple decision to start eating. It’s a horrible feeling, and as i say the thing that helped me most was having the decision taken out of my hands. I hated the feeding tube and it made me feel incredibly helpless but it was less stressful than trying to feed myself. It was the same with going into hospital, it in itself was stressful but it was less stressful than trying to live and eat in the real world.

I wish there wasn’t such a stigma around mental illness and anorexia. When i was in hospital i felt really guilty because i didn’t feel like i ‘deserved’ to be in there because i wasn’t actually ‘sick’. Although i still sometimes struggle to see that i am sick, i have recently made the shift to actually viewing anorexia as a legitimate illness with need for treatment. This has made the recovery process easier for me to say the least! I still haven’t quite worked out how to express what i want to say about the perception of mental illness and eating disorders… watch this space!

Hello

Hey people. Long time no post!!!

I am now out of hospital woooooohooooooo!!! And this time, I’m planning on staying out…. third time lucky!

I’ve actually been out since the last Friday of the school holidays, so about 2 weeks. It is so nice to be living in the real world again, and writing this post sitting at my desk in my bedroom rather than lying on a hospital bed. I will never again take for granted all the freedoms i have out of hospital.

Next week at school it’s exam week, mock exams. Quite stressful really as I missed 6 weeks of last term, and pretty much half of year 12 as well. I’ve spent more time in hospital than i have at school in the past two years, which makes me so sad and frustrated i could just about scream…. yes i am a weird person who loves school! But it’s great to back there, being in class is another thing i will never take for granted again! I’m having to self teach a lot of my course which is very hard. School is so much easier when you’re actually THERE!!! Chemistry is particularly impossible…… i have an exam on it tomorrow which i’m dreading.

It’s been a busy few weeks in this household, we’ve had some foster kittens from the SPCA staying with us. They are insanely cute…

This is Ron, he is the most photogenic! There are 4 of them.

I have been back at school full time this term (which has been a thrill, it really has, at school for FULL DAYS  is so exciting and you miss so much less work!!). I’m really hoping to be able to finish this year at school, but i suppose it wouldn’t be the end of the world if i had to spread it over 2 years…. hopefully i’ll be able to continue though and it won’t come to that.

I just want to say thank-you so much to those who’ve commented, it is a huge motivation to read your lovely words and reminds me why i am recovering, and all the wonderful things i’ve got to look forward to once i’m back to full health…. i can’t wait to go swimming, travelling and skiing in particular.

This is a cool quote which one of my friends wrote for me and stuck on my wall during my second hospital admission, and it’s a really good thing to remind yourself when things get tough ‘in the moment’:

NOT EVERYDAY WILL BE GOOD… BUT THERE WILL BE GOOD IN EVERYDAY.

So true!

Well i should probably do some chemistry/french/biology revision. Over and out!!

Week 5

I have now been in hospital for 5 weeks.

I am in a really good mood at the moment for some reason, having just finished off another day of eating (phew!). Dad came in to have supper with me and I had a fortisip, an apple, a BAR OF CHOCOLATE  and a yoghurt. Pretty substantial for a ‘snack’, yes!? I actually can’t believe I did it. For those of you (very lucky) people who don’t know what fortisip is, it is a nutritional supplement for ‘disease related malnutrition’. It comes in a handy 200ml bottle, tastes very metallic no matter what the flavor is supposed to be, and is milk based, although the consistency manages to be rather nastily just thicker than milk… similar to off milk! I like to whizz it up in a blender with ice and pretend it’s a frappuccino… For the number of calories it contains, it manages to taste pretty disgusting. Strawberry is definitely the best flavor, followed by chocolate. NEVER EVER try the ‘tropicana’. Citrus and milk just shouldn’t be mixed, ya know!?

Well anyway, I have decided to write a blog post instead of freaking myself out by over analyzing what I just had for my supper.

And now I don’t really know what to write about!

Well today my friends came in and they brought Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 to watch with me. That is just such a fabulous movie! I must get some Harry Potter paraphernalia for my room. I mean I’ve got some of the books here (half my bookshelf seems to have ended up in here with me) but I’m missing my Gryffindor robe and scarf, Harry Potter calendar and glasses, and all the books and DVDs.

I really have made myself at home in this room, I even have a toaster!! I should offer it to the other patients to use, they’re probably all jealous of my warm toast when the bits of cardboard from the kitchen come up.

Right, I’m off to write an English essay/do some chemistry revision. Sorry for the very boring post, for me my supper was a victory and further evidence that I am winning, so I thought I would share.

Happy Belated Easter and Thank-you

Happy Easter.

I found easter really really hard this year. Firstly, because it is an anniversary of sorts as I was officially diagnosed/I started struggling really badly at this time last year. Secondly, because it involves a lot of chocolate and eating, both of which i find pretty terrifying. And finally, because although I was allowed home during the day (thank-you doctors!) I am still in hospital and it’s hard not waking up in the same house as your family on Easter morning.

I am trying to remind myself to look at the big picture, what i want to achieve in the long term. I want to go to uni and travel overseas and live at home and go to school full time and foster SPCA kittens and cuddle my cat (I sound like a mad cat person now!) and go swimming and buy new clothes and lots of other things! But I can’t do any of that until I get better.

In the short term, getting better is SO SO SO hard. It’s because you can’t just take a pill, and wake up the next morning and be cured. You have to take bite after agonizing bite, chew and swallow, get through each mouthful of every one of the six meals a day, and then you have to go to sleep knowing you will have to do it all again the next day when you wake up. The short term struggle is so hard, and ‘in the moment’ of chewing and swallowing and convincing myself to take the next bite, it’s really easy to forget why I’m doing what I’m doing and getting better. So I need to always remember all the wonderful things that will come out of being healthy.

I just want to say thank-you so much to my friends who have come in to see me today. My day was not going very well…. and then you came and cheered me up and reminded me why I am doing this, and why getting healthy is important!! THANK-YOU! And thanks also to Mum and Dad who come in to the hospital every single day to support me through my six meals. Thank-you to Soph and Sam who put up with mum and dad being with me so often.

Last night we went out for Dad’s birthday and I had pasta. Until last week I had been too scared to eat pasta, and I went a whole year without having any pasta!! So eating pasta at a restaurant was a big thing for me. Thanks Grandad, Mum and Sam for sitting next to me and chatting away, you probably didn’t even realize how much you were helping but it was so nice to just feel normal and hold conversation over dinner!

Anyway I am really tired so I’m off to sleep.

4 weeks and 2 days

I’ve just arrived back in hospital after having most of the day at home with the family. It’s amazing what you realize you took for granted when it gets taken away! Here is a list of all the little everyday things that i didn’t realize i took for granted.

1. Enjoying food. I used to LOVE food!! Like, i don’t think you could find a bigger foodie than me. I loved eating out, which my family did about once a week, and cooking things. My friends and I used to have ‘cake friday’ once a week when one person would bring in a cake and we’d all share and enjoy it. I loved this. I even spent an afternoon in the kitchen of one of New Zealand’s best restaurants to get a behind the scenes look into what goes into a dinner service. I never thought for a second that one day I just wouldn’t want to eat, let alone that I’d find it incredibly stressful to eat. My grandpa once told me (over dinner at a local French restaurant) that there are 3 main things in the world that can bring joy to your life. Funnily enough i can only remember one – food. Not being able to enjoy food is horrible.

2. Quiet time. It sounds stupid, but it is so true – there are not many moments of silence in a hospital.

3. Privacy. When i first came into hospital i had a 24 hour ‘watch’ – a person who sat in my room and made sure i stayed on complete bed rest and ate all my meals. I also went through a period last year of having a night watch – someone who turned up at 11pm and left at 7am after watching me sleep and making sure i didn’t exercise in the night. It’s really hard to sleep when you know there’s someone watching you! And i had one night watch who fell asleep herself and woke me up by snoring very loudly. I wasn’t actually exercising at night time (I like my sleep too much!) however ‘the team’ felt like they had to close all loopholes and so privacy became a privilege, something to be earned by gaining weight and being totally compliant with the meal plan. I remember my first night home from the hospital during my first admission, my family sat down to watch a movie together, and all i wanted to do was go and get some piece and quite, and privacy, in my room.

4. Being able to walk around whenever you want. This is another thing that’s a privilege in hospital.

5. Speaking to and being with friends. My friends are the most incredible, amazing, wonderful people and I love them so much. Not being allowed to see them or ring them, which has been the case a couple of times, is the most horrible, lonely and desperate feeling. Thank-you for coming and visiting me guys, I love you!

6. Living at home with my family. I miss home life desperately.

So, there it is. My list of things i used to take for granted and now do not! Another day and another 6 meals gone. Now i just have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow… this truly is a marathon not a sprint and sometimes imagining endless snacks and meals, feeding myself for the rest of my life, is incredibly overwhelming. Oh well, nothing else to do but keep doing what I’m doing, and I’ll just take each day as it comes.

Here are two things on my wall that I love:

4 weeks and 1 day

I am in hospital. And it’s horrible.

I don’t want to be here. And I don’t think I deserve to be here either. But it’s where I need to be right now because for some awful, strange reason, if I wasn’t here I would find it too difficult to eat. Yes, EAT. Sounds weird, doesn’t it, because everybody eats. It’s just what we do. We need food, sustenance and nutrition to survive. I know and understand this, and yet I still cannot eat. I can’t feed myself. I am 17 years old and I can’t feed myself. It doesn’t make sense. It’s because of this horrible, evil illness called anorexia nervosa. I can’t believe I just typed that. It’s such an ugly phrase, the letters fit together so strangely and the sound of the words is ugly too. Well, it’s true to the name. It is ugly. I can’t believe that I’m admitting I am affected by it.

I can’t believe it because I’ve tried to pretend it’s not there for the last year. Actually, if I’m honest, it’s probably been hanging around, trying to worm it’s evil way into my mind since I was 11, and I thought that everyone sometimes didn’t eat if they felt like they hadn’t done enough exercise or didn’t deserve, for some reason, to eat. Apparently not everyone feels like this!! And apparently I shouldn’t have to feel like this.

This is my third hospital stay, and I’ve been in here for four weeks and one day. I’m in the last year of secondary school and I should be having the time of my life right now. At this very moment, some of my friends are setting off on holidays around the world, and others are at parties and with friends, being normal teenagers enjoying their Friday night. My parents are watching the rugby with friends. My sister has 5 friends over for a sleepover.

And I’m sitting by myself in hospital.

I did not choose this illness. Before I myself was afflicted with anorexia, I thought it was a lifestyle choice. Like, people choose not to eat because they want to be skinny. Lordy, how wrong that is!!! No-one would choose to live like this! This is hardly living.

I wasn’t looking for attention, and I didn’t want to get skinny (however that’s defined), or look like someone in a magazine. I don’t even really read magazines, except for a laugh. And I’ve always loved sport, and seen my body as powerful. For it to be powerful I need food.

So when did this start? When I was 11, I reckon. I used to swim competitively and when i was 11 i stopped. I can still remember suddenly feeling big. Anyway, I staved off thoughts of not eating, or exercising too much, for the next 5 years. In 2010 I went on a school trip to Germany and I was very, very homesick. I now realize this homesickness was severe anxiety. And it made me lose my appetite. I was only away from my family for 3 weeks, and made a real effort to try and eat normally,  but i think i lost a little bit of weight and from then on i was hyper-aware of my body and food. That was the start of my downward spiral, from which i am only just emerging… after a year and a half of struggling.

When the downward spiral went in to hyperdrive was around this time last year. I had been slowly but steadily losing weight during the first term of school last year. I went to a boarding school (out of choice) where the food wasn’t great and so anything that wasn’t nice, i just didn’t eat. When mum and dad picked me up at the end of term they shared their concerns about my weight loss with me and took me to the doctor……..

Fast forward a year and here i am. I feel like finally i am getting somewhere in recovery and i can see the light, or rather my future, at the end of the tunnel.

So, I thought I’d write a blog. For my friends and family to read, and to try and educate some people about this dreadful illness. One day, I hope, this will all be a bad memory. For now, as Dory from Finding Nemo might say (this is what i had on my wall during my first hospital stay, along with a picture of a grinning Dory)….

“Just keep chewing, just keep chewing”